Empathy is a state of open hearted curiosity and caring.

• When you are offering empathy, the need you are meeting for yourself is to contribute to someone else.
• When you are receiving empathy, you are being fully heard and reconnecting to your own feelings and needs.
• Empathy is a quality of connection and the ability to be fully present (in your heart) to others or yourself (self-empathy).
• In compassionate communication, empathy is often expressed in terms of feelings and needs. Empathy is a need, and when we employ it to connect, it is also a strategy.

The questions we are asking as we are giving empathy:
Are/were you feeling… because you need/want…?

Would you have liked…?

Were you wishing for…?

Is that right?

Is there more?

When offering empathy, you will most likely feel energized, not depleted.
Most other forms of listening bring you into the situation in a way that can be depleting…when we advise, console, fix, sympathize, we are joining the other person’s story and that can be draining.  Empathy is listening with your heart and mind and not taking on, agreeing with or becoming part of (fixing) someone else’s story. The difference is subtle. Begin to simply notice when you feel depleted after talking with someone…how were you listening?

What empathy is not:

• Sympathy: brings attention back to self “Oh, I feel so sad to hear that”
• Advice:  We assume the person wants information “The next step you should take…”
• Explain/analyze: We think we know why someone is feeling the way they are and we think telling them why will change their feelings “You just feel angry because…”
• Correct:  We try to get them to shift by telling them they interpreted the situation incorrectly “She didn’t do that to make you angry, she’s just stressed…”
• Console:  We try to make the person feel better “It will all be okay…”
• Tell a story:  We remember a similar situation that happened to us.  “When that happened to me…”
• Investigate/interrogate:  Why did you do that?
• Evaluate:  We judge their response.  “You are making too big a deal…”
• Educate: We’re in our head.  “What I know about that…”
• Diagnose:  “Sounds like you are overwhelmed.  You need a professional help…”
• Demand:  If you don’t stop that right now you’ll go to your room”
• Denial of choice: “We all have to do things we don’t like.”
• Push away feelings:  We are uncomfortable with their vulnerability.  “Just laugh it off; it’s no big deal…”

Carol Delmonico
Into Balance Coaching
541-389-0831, www.intobalancecoaching.com